There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
