We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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