Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
