I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
