k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
