I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Pants are for mortals
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
