I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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