Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
