Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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