captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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