one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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