I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
