I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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