i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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