if you like me you must not know who I am
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
