He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You ruined the universe
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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