Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
