Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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