Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
