I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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