You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
