I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
