I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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