Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
