Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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