That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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