I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
