If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
