I hate all girls vehemently.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
