When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
