Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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