Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Randomize
