dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
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Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.