Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
