Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
