Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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