This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
