her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
