Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
