me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
