I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
