My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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