I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
