I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
