how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
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Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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