I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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