Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
