My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I would ride that face into the sunset
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
