Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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