planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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