Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
