paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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