Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
