Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
