Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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