Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
