made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize
