Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
the condom got lost in my hair
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
